Sarcastic recipe: Meringues

Foreword: Yes, this "recipe" has a foreword. Because it is not an ordinary recipe, but one that can think and talk and has opinions. Many opinions, most of them sarcastic. And the entire discourse is in fact addressed to myself, not towards the reader. The idea stemmed from my recent failed attempt at making meringues and my (possibly failed attempt once again at) taking notes for next time. It's just for a bit of cheeky fun. ^^

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So, you think you can bake? You've already got plenty of cookies and pastries under your belt? And while keeping those there is at least questionable, let me tell you straight off that the banal meringue is going to trip you off your baker throne.

You'll need some egg whites, which you will most likely have left over from another recipe that uses only yolks. Why else would you make meringues? But, since you're a master procrastinator, you will wait too long to use those saved egg whites, so you will be afraid they're too old and throw them away. So you will have to separate more eggs specifically for meringues. Which defies the whole "leftover whites" idea. At least you won't make some more grand thing out of the leftover yolks. Good thing for omelets, huh? So, you will use a random quantity of egg whites (let's say 160g), then double that will be the amount of sugar, plus a bit of vanilla sugar. And a teaspoon of vinegar.

First of all, get everything ready. All the ingredients and all the tools. You won't have time to catch your breath after you get started. What tools? Read the recipe ahead if you want to find out.

Quantities are crucial, but I won't tell you the proportion of vinegar to everything else. Do the calculations yourself. Get those brain gears turning. It's good for you.

Next, put all the ingredients in a bowl and heat them over a pot of boiling water. All the ingredients. You forgot the vinegar. And in the rush of things, you forget your calculations and just put double the amount of vinegar. Damn! That's exactly the secret amount only pros use, but I didn't want to tell it to a novice like you. Ah well...

Heat the whole thing up to 70 degrees. Celsius. Unless you prefer Kelvin. But for that, you'd have to do your own calculations. What do you mean, you don't have a candy thermometer?

Once it's heated up (as well as can be reasonably expected given the circumstances), use the mixer on top speed to beat the whole thing until you get stiff peaks. That is not an euphemism. So until there are no more grains of sugar in it or until you feel like your hands are going to fall off. Whichever comes first. Was it the second? Not surprising at all.

Next, shape the meringues neatly from a piping bag on a tray covered with baking paper. But, since you've done this before and are expecting failure (so am I, by the way), you will just put them there with a spoon, misshapen and blobby. You think they will just fall flat, like before. Oh, the irony...

Anyway, in the oven they go. You did preheat it to 100 degrees, didn't you? Well, you were supposed to find out about it when you were reading ahead to find out the ingredients. Oh, you actually did that? Well, ok. I suppose that is one redeeming thing. But you're not out of the woods yet.

Bake them for about 1h 30min, until they're hard as chalk. And, knowing your skills, just as tasty. I will tell you to keep the door open and to bake them on a middle tray position. You will do the opposite, since you think you know better. Who's the recipe here, me or you? Stop improvising, these are meringues, not hot dogs. Though hot dogs sound nice. I'm getting kind of hungry here, waiting for your meringues to be done. Hey, can you make me some hot dogs? What do you mean, you don't have the recipe?

By the way, your meringues are getting burnt.

 

Here they are, in all their burnt missapen glory

Bitesize fiction. The man in the fridge 2.0

Standing in front of my fridge, I hesitated. Why would one hesitate in front of one's own appliance? Simple. There was a man in my fridge.

I decided to knock.

The answer came promptly and cheerfully: "Who is it?"

"It's me."

"What's the password?"

I frowned. Password? "We never discussed about a password."

"That is correct! I was just testing to see if it really is you. An intruder would have tried to make up a password."

"Oh. That's very clever. Now that we've established that I am me, may I open the door? Are you... decent?"

"I may or may not be. Like Schrödinger's cat, I'm both until you open the door." His wink was almost audible through the fridge door.

I opened the door.

"Hello!" The smile next to the mustard was just as wide as ever.

"Hello. How are you today?"

"Oh, I can't complain. This is a nice place. The cheese is good."

"So you've told me, yes. Umm, can we talk?"

"Fire away. I've got nowhere else to be at this time."

"I've got something to confess."

"Oh?"

"You aren't a real human."

He raised an eyebrow. "I feel pretty real."

"You're not, I'm afraid. I wrote you into existence."

"Are you sure? When was this?"

"Last week."

"I see... Funny, I don't recall my birth."

"Most people don't. Do you have any memories from before that though?"

"Hmm... It's rather hazy. More like thought fragments than memories."

"I see. How... do you feel about it all?" I asked gently.

"Well... A tad confused, I must confess. I was sure I was real. Now, this might take some getting used to." He sat thinking for a few moments.

I waited patiently in silence for him to process it all.

He seemed to have reached a resolution, because his smile returned. He picked up the cheese platter and handed it to me.

I politely took a piece. "Thank you."

He nodded. "I've heard it's customary when dealing with one's creator to give them an offering."

"You don't have to. I won't rattle the fridge or storm it with locusts if you don't." I ate the cheese nonetheless. It was good cheese after all.

"I have a question for you as well, if I may."

"By all means."

"What's the purpose of my existence? Was I put on this Earth to guard your cheese? Is that my destiny?"

I looked down at my feet. "The truth is... I was just feeling inspired. You... just happened. I didn't intend any specific purpose for you."

"Is that why I feel restless?"

I looked back at him. "What do you mean?"

"I've always thought that life must be more than this. That the world must be bigger than this fridge."

"Oh..."

He became more enthusiastic as he spoke. "I can be more than just the man in the fridge. I feel that I can do more than just guard the cheese." He punctuated his sentence by taking a piece of cheese himself and eating it gleefully.

I watched in fascination.

"In fact, I feel that, even if you created me, I'm not inferior to you. I have my own mind, my own dreams. Wouldn't you say?"

"Oh, absolutely. I've never looked down on you, you know."

"I know." His smile softened. "I am very grateful for you having created me, but I must now be free. I will make my own destiny."

"I'm glad." I smiled and offered him my hand. "Come on, the first step is getting out of that fridge."

He looked at my hand, then at my face. His smile had faded. "It seems that I'm afraid."

I raised my eyebrows. "How come?"

"It's cosy in here. There's cheese... Out there, there are possibilities. Choices. What if I make the wrong ones?"

"We all make wrong choices." I beamed at him. "It's freedom. It's life."

"True... Very well, then." He took my hand and came out of the fridge. "It's warm out here," he observed.

"Indeed it is." I grabbed the cheese plate. "Let's have some cheese."

He closed the fridge door behind him and smiled his brightest smile yet. "Let's."